Well now… I was feeling really sorry for myself when writing that last post! Christmas and the New Year was really hard this year. Not because (I think), it was Christmas – but because it was the first time that we both ‘stopped’. Since we came to the end of the ICSI journey, we haven’t both been able to stop at the same time for more than a few days. Separately we could and did, but not together – until Christmas. And being at home, with nothing in particular to do meant we had a lot of time to think. Which this time meant that the same raw grief we’d both experienced earlier in the year came back, rolling back in, wave after wave. There was nothing we could do, expect go with it. Every so often, we’d come back up for air and another wave would hit.
I realised how isolated our lives had become. We don’t live near our families and we’ve hidden ourselves away from many of our friends over the past while (particularly those with children). We moved to a ‘child friendly’ area a few years ago, and haven’t really settled in here and none of our friends live locally. We live in a lovely place, with a gorgeous beach nearby, which we walked a lot over the break. We’ve been so busy coping with life, that we haven’t had a chance to enjoy it.
Our grieving isn’t over yet, I’m sure there will be other waves of that raw desperate pain. We’re still gulping for air after the last one. But we need to slow down and start living life a bit more.